Movie Spoilers

Warning! If you don't want to know the endings or surprise plot twists to hundreds of movies, go no further! Turn back now!

New: Milo (1998)

June 24, 2008

Sometimes you have to rescreen a movie you haven’t seen in years, just to reaffirm that it was as bad as you thought the first time around. Milo is one of those movies. Without really spoiling it, it’s the old Weird Kid Who Was Taunted As a Child Comes Back to Wreak Vengeance slasher flick, only not half so enjoyable (or even clever) as, say Slaughter High. About the only reason we could ever recommend it is for the appearance of the wonderful and much-missed Vincent Schiavelli — but even he appears grateful that his role in this godawful offering is, mercifully, limited.

Also, you might want to watch solely to pick out a very young Mila Kunis (of “That 70s Show”) from amongst the kiddies.

Movie Spoiler for Milo (1998)

New: Eaten Alive (1977)

June 21, 2008

OK, so Eaten Alive is not Tobe Hooper’s best. OK, honestly, most of what Tobe Hooper does is not Tobe Hooper’s best; everything after The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is — well, isn’t The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. (Hooper is like M. Night Shyamalan and Quentin Tarantino that way — peaking with one great, truly innovative movie at the beginning of a promising career. There’s still time for all three to live up to their earliest efforts, but as each year passes, the likelihood any of them will diminishes.)

The gore in Eaten Alive isn’t so over-the-top it’s funny, there aren’t any nude scenes (except for one quick, tame shot), and the most interesting characters get knocked off early. But there is one, and only one, compelling reason to watch it: the cast, which (aside from bigger name-actors such as Mel Ferrer, Carolyn Jones, and Stuart Whitman) is composed of some of your favorite low-budget/indie stars of the 1970s and 80s. You’ve got:

…Robert Englund, whom you of course know best from every single Nightmare on Elm Street movie, as well as dozens and dozens of other flicks, from Dead & Buried (1981) to Hooper’s Night Terrors (1993) to Urban Legend (1998);

…the terminally evil, Neanderthal-like Neville Brand (who, we’re told, was really a nice guy), veteran of scores of movies and TV shows — you’ll know his face the second you see it;

…the terminally hot, very talented, underrated, and underused Marilyn Burns, who appeared in a scant six films before disappearing to Texas (what a loss to movies!), star of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and (turning in a stellar performance) the original, made-for-TV Helter Skelter (1976), as reluctant murder accomplice turned state’s witness Linda Kasabian;

…William Finley, title star of Brian De Palma’s Phantom of the Paradise (1974), who you’ll also remember from Sisters (1973) and The Fury (1978), as well as Hooper’s The Funhouse (1981);

…Roberta Collins, of the unforgettable WIP (Women In Prison) classics The Big Doll House (1971), Women in Cages (1971), and the fabulous Caged Heat (1974); Vernon Zimmerman’s roller derby queen opus Unholy Rollers (1972); and Paul (Rock ‘n’ Roll High School; Eating Raoul) Bartel’s Death Race 2000 (1975);

…Janus Blythe, most familiar as cannibal-daughter Ruby in the original The Hills Have Eyes (1977); she also had a small role in Phantom of the Paradise.

Movie Spoiler for Eaten Alive (1977)

New: Route 666 (2001)

June 13, 2008

What can you say about a movie that can’t decide if it wants to be a ghost movie, a zombie movie, or a psychic-dude-finds-out-what-happens-to-his-father movie? Mix a nonsensical script with lame direction and embarrassingly hammy scenery-chewing, whilst striving for a cross between The Hills Have Eyes and Pulp Fiction — and fail badly — and you have Route 666.

Part so-bad-it’s-good, and part so-bad-it’s-bad, Route 666 is worth watching for the terrible dialogue, the over-the-top performances (oh, Lou, Lou, it was such a long way down from La Bamba, wasn’t it?), and the completely inexplicable “plot twists” (for lack of a better phrase). Why does Lou have visions? Why did the gang boss do what he did? Why are the ghost-zombies suddenly able to attack people off the road when they’ve been confined to killing people only on the road all these years? Why does the blood from the agent’s severed fingers disappear? Why do the agent’s fingers reappear later in the movie? Why hotwire the SUV when the keys are clearly in the ignition? Why is there a working telephone booth on a road that’s been “condemned” for 34 years? What is a “condemned road,” anyway? Why did they make this movie?

For these and many more perplexing questions, all you can do is watch this thing.

Movie Spoiler for Route 666 (2001)

New: The Notorious Bettie Page (2005)

June 12, 2008

Having only a peripheral awareness of her as a pinup girl and terminally perky cutie in a series of tame burlesque shorts seen on late-night TV, we had no idea of Bettie Page’s notoriety as a bondage queen.

The Notorious Bettie Page is an eye-opener — and in more ways than one; it’s not often you see full-frontal female nudity in movies these days.

But rest assured that TNBP isn’t some porny offering that will leave you feeling the need to shower afterward; it’s quite a good little biopic, with Gretchen Mol delivering a fine performance (she’s got Bettie’s cutie-pie mugging for the camera down pat), and atmosphere faithful to the period. It’s well worth the watch — and you’ll learn a thing or two about mid-1950s hysteria over good, clean (and good, dirty) sex.

Movie Spoiler for The Notorious Bettie Page (2005)

New: Fido (2006)

June 9, 2008

How could a zombie-lover like me ever miss this one? As I write in the side note to the spoiler: “Fido is a witty, sharp, wonderful movie — and the obvious conclusion to the George Romero Night of the Living Dead series, picking up on the zombies being played for laughs (and being shown as understanding how to use tools) in the original Dawn of the Dead. It’s really Shaun of the Dead Meets Pleasantville — and absolutely essential viewing for those who love zombie movies, and see the inherent black humor in every living-dead flick. Highly, highly recommended!”

It’s also got an amazing cast, including Billy Connolly (just about the last actor you’d expect to see as a flesh-eating zombie!), Carrie-Anne Moss, and Dylan Baker (whom you know from lots of small but memorable roles, such as the cop in Hide and Seek).

Movie Spoiler for Fido (2006)

New: Last Man on Earth (1964)

April 28, 2008

We finally got a chance to see The Last Man on Earth — the 1964 Vincent Price classic about, well, the last man on earth, adapted from Richard Matheson’s novel I Am Legend. It’s obvious (as it’s been noted many times) what an inspiration this film was to Night of the Living Dead. (On the other hand, Last Man probably owes a bit of a nod to Carnival of Souls.)

Of course, Matheson’s story was also the basis for The Omega Man, and while Omega benefited from higher production values, we like Last Man on Earth much better; it’s got that grainy, gritty, documentary feel that makes the horror much more realistic. And while Last Man has plenty of flaws, there isn’t a single ugly, 1970s fashions or hairdos — or characteristic Charlton Heston teeth-grinding — to distract you from the action.

Movie Spoiler for The Last Man on Earth (1964)