Sometimes you have to rescreen a movie you haven’t seen in years, just to reaffirm that it was as bad as you thought the first time around. Milo is one of those movies. Without really spoiling it, it’s the old Weird Kid Who Was Taunted As a Child Comes Back to Wreak Vengeance slasher flick, only not half so enjoyable (or even clever) as, say Slaughter High. About the only reason we could ever recommend it is for the appearance of the wonderful and much-missed Vincent Schiavelli — but even he appears grateful that his role in this godawful offering is, mercifully, limited.

Also, you might want to watch solely to pick out a very young Mila Kunis (of “That 70s Show”) from amongst the kiddies.

At the end of the day, Claire gets an invitation to Ruth’s wedding, accompanied by a plane ticket.

Back in her hometown for the wedding, she’s met by Abby (Maya McLaughlin) and Marian (Paula Cale), who tell her that Ruth died the night before in a car wreck. Later, while reminiscing over old times, the two persuade Claire to apply for Ruth’s newly-vacated job (she was a teacher, too) at the very school the girls attended. Claire gets the job.

One day, during class, she sees Milo outside. He still looks ten years old. At recess, Claire sees him in the same spot, across the playground; Kelso, the school janitor (Antonio Fargas), standing next to her, doesn’t see him.

Back in class, the kids are passing around a photo stinky little Evan (Jordan Blake Warkol) says he found outside. Claire takes it away; it’s a photo of herself as a child. On the back is written “Milo + Claire = Love”.

Driving away from school, she nearly hits — you guessed it — Milo, on his bike. Kelso walks up to her car window; she asks him if Ruth’s accident wasn’t far from this spot. He says yes, about half a block away — and right about this time of day, as Ruth was leaving school.

Claire spots Milo again, and tries to follow him, but nearly hits a little girl in the street. When she sees him again, she goes to Abby’s and tells her what’s been going on. Of course, Abby tries to convince Claire that she’s imagining things, and tells her to bury the memory of Milo. As for the photo with the note, Abby passes it off as Claire’s students giving their new teacher a hard time — it’s not, Abby says, like people in this town don’t know what happened to Mae (another childhood friend Claire has all but forgotten), “or what happened to us.”

After Claire leaves, Abby sits up late, watching a home movie of a birthday party showing Milo arriving, and— whoops! alongs comes Milo in real life, and stabs Abby to death.

Claire learns that Abby is missing when a cop, Lt. Parker (Richard Portnow), arrives to ask a few questions — Claire may have been the last person to see Abby.

The next day, Claire tells Marian with no uncertainty that Milo killed Abby. Of course, Marian thinks Claire is off her rocker. She also tells Claire to keep this Milo business quiet.

That day, what appears to be Milo nearly runs down Claire with his bike. Turns out it’s stinky little Evan, who claims the yellow slicker he’s wearing is his own. Inside the classroom, Claire is scared by a frog somebody planted, and angry at an indelible stick-figure drawing of herself, with boobies, on the blackboard.

Meanwhile, in the hallway, stinky little Evan speaks to someone unseen, who tosses him some sort of cigar-shaped object.

At recess, Claire sticks close to Kelso for protection. This time, they both hear a bicycle bell, but can’t figure out where it’s coming from.

After recess, and with the kids inside, Claire is locked out of the classroom — and Milo appears and attacks her. Claire passes out. Marian picks her up at school. On the drive home, Marian suggests Claire see a shrink.

Claire convinces Marian to drive to the Jeeder house, where they just walk right in and start snooping around. Claire is caught rummaging through in a file cabinet by Dr. Jeeder (Vincent Schiavelli). Claire tells him she’s seen Milo. That’s impossible, says Jeeder; everyone knows Milo drowned years ago; his body was found five weeks after “what happened to that little girl.”

On the way home, Marian nearly hits (yep!) Milo, on his bike. Marian follows the yellow-slickered little creep, who suddenly stops in the middle of the road. Marian stops the car, gets out, and yells at him. Milo turns around, and, in his freaky-deaky voice, whining, “I thought we were friends, I thought we were friends…” charges Marian on his bike, and slashes at her (with a scalpel, probably). One of the car’s windows somehow breaks, and Claire dives for cover; when she gets up to look for Marian, all she finds is a river of blood leading into the woods. Next we see of Marian, she’s being dragged away by Milo.

Claire ends up at the police department. Parker shows Claire a picture of Milo’s body to prove he’s dead. Parker doesn’t think she’s crazy — he thinks she knows more about the disappearances of Abby and Marian than she’s telling. He tells her not to leave town.

Next, Claire turns to Kelso with her Milo story. Kelso says he wants to believe her, but doesn’t know what to think.

When Claire reaches her classroom, she finds the kids all bruised up — their bus jumped a curb on the way to school. Claire takes a moment to tell stinky little Evan: “Don’t talk to him anymore.”

Claire sees Dr. Jeeder again, and pleads with him to make his son stop what he’s doing. She convinces Jeeder to wait for Milo with her in the classroom.

Milo shows up again. He cuts electricity to the school, and is caught in the hallway by Kelso — whom he promptly stabs. Jeeder says Kelso won’t make it to the hospital, so he drives Kelso and Claire to the Jeeder house instead. While Jeeder starts to tend to Kelso, Claire goes roaming around the house. Kelso comes to, and isn’t pleased to see Jeeder. When Kelso mentions Jeeder’s “creepy kid,” Jeeder tapes his mouth shut.

Claire flashes back to the fetus jars she saw as a child, and remembers one of the girls noting one empty jar, and wondering aloud, “What happened to that one?” Claire finds the fetus jars, including the empty one, and notes the date. Just then, Milo comes through a window and lunges for Claire — but Jeeder appears and gives Milo a hypo in the back, knocking him out cold.

Jeeder admits that this really is Milo. Jeeder’s wife, long dead, could only “deliver stillborns” (which explains where all the pickled fetuses came from), but Jeeder was able to save one of them (through some arcane process that isn’t explained): Milo (as if you didn’t figure that out during the first three minutes of the movie). When Claire tells Jeeder he created a monster, Jeeder agrees that there were a few unfortunate “side effects,” but it was the taunting of Milo’s classmates that created the monster.

Locked in the attic, Claire uncovers numerous clippings about Milo’s murder and his alleged drowning, as well as Ruth’s wedding announcement from the newspaper; Milo’s ugly face has been pasted over the face of Ruth’s groom in the picture.

Milo tries to bash his way into the attic, but Claire holds him off. After he leaves, she manages to get downstairs. Opening a closet, she finds the now-dead Dr. Jeeder. Milo, right on cue, appears and rushes her; when he misses her, he hits his head and is knocked out. But not for long; when he surprises Claire a second time, she faints.

Next thing you know, Claire is tied to a bed, dressed in a wedding gown, and Milo, as her troll-like groom, climbs on top of her and starts slurping on her face. Thank goodness Kelso appears out of nowhere and pulls the little ickazoid off her. Kelso frees Claire’s hands, then has to fight it out with Milo. He finally holds Milo down in a bathtub (that just happens to be conveniently filled with water), and presumably drowns him, once and for all. It’s Kelso’s last act; he finally dies from his wounds.

Claire shuffles downstairs, and— oh, dear, what’s that noise behind that closed door over there? Thinking it’s Marian, Claire descends into the basement. Yep, it’s Marian all right— er, well, not all right at all: Marian, also in a wedding dress (and maybe still alive; she twitches a bit), is bound to a gynecologist’s table, and she’s bleeding. Along comes Milo, with a large jar; in it is… uh, what’s he’s “extracted” from Marian. (Knowing what you already know, you can figure it out.)

Claire goes batspit crazy and beats on the ugly little monster until she subdues him. Then she finds the very dead Abby, also dressed as a bride, and propped up vertically.

Of course, Milo has vanished again, and now he reappears for one last showdown. As he drags Claire under the house, she grabs a random piece of wood and stakes him through the chest with it.

In the last scene, we see a new janitor cleaning graffiti off the walls of the school. Just before he starts to scrub away “Milo Was Here,” he hears the sound of a bicycle bell.

OK, so Eaten Alive is not Tobe Hooper’s best. OK, honestly, most of what Tobe Hooper does is not Tobe Hooper’s best; everything after The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is — well, isn’t The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. (Hooper is like M. Night Shyamalan and Quentin Tarantino that way — peaking with one great, truly innovative movie at the beginning of a promising career. There’s still time for all three to live up to their earliest efforts, but as each year passes, the likelihood any of them will diminishes.)

The gore in Eaten Alive isn’t so over-the-top it’s funny, there aren’t any nude scenes (except for one quick, tame shot), and the most interesting characters get knocked off early. But there is one, and only one, compelling reason to watch it: the cast, which (aside from bigger name-actors such as Mel Ferrer, Carolyn Jones, and Stuart Whitman) is composed of some of your favorite low-budget/indie stars of the 1970s and 80s. You’ve got:

…Robert Englund, whom you of course know best from every single Nightmare on Elm Street movie, as well as dozens and dozens of other flicks, from Dead & Buried (1981) to Hooper’s Night Terrors (1993) to Urban Legend (1998);

…the terminally evil, Neanderthal-like Neville Brand (who, we’re told, was really a nice guy), veteran of scores of movies and TV shows — you’ll know his face the second you see it;

…the terminally hot, very talented, underrated, and underused Marilyn Burns, who appeared in a scant six films before disappearing to Texas (what a loss to movies!), star of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and (turning in a stellar performance) the original, made-for-TV Helter Skelter (1976), as reluctant murder accomplice turned state’s witness Linda Kasabian;

…William Finley, title star of Brian De Palma’s Phantom of the Paradise (1974), who you’ll also remember from Sisters (1973) and The Fury (1978), as well as Hooper’s The Funhouse (1981);

…Roberta Collins, of the unforgettable WIP (Women In Prison) classics The Big Doll House (1971), Women in Cages (1971), and the fabulous Caged Heat (1974); Vernon Zimmerman’s roller derby queen opus Unholy Rollers (1972); and Paul (Rock ‘n’ Roll High School; Eating Raoul) Bartel’s Death Race 2000 (1975);

…Janus Blythe, most familiar as cannibal-daughter Ruby in the original The Hills Have Eyes (1977); she also had a small role in Phantom of the Paradise.

That’s pretty much what Judd spends the whole movie doing: killing people and feeding them to his alligators.

Meanwhile, a young family checks in. They are the already-nutzoid Roy (William Finley), who talks about geting his own eye gouged out, and then starts barking like a dog for no apparent reason; Faye (Marilyn Burns, of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre), who at times looks more disturbed by her husband’s behavior than she does by Leatherface’s; and their daughter, Angie (Kyle Richards, the little girl, Lindsey, in Halloween). Oh, and there’s Snoopy, their dog, who runs into the pool and gets — you guessed it — eaten alive… but not before Judd slices up Roy with a sickle and throws him in with the gators (to be — yes! — eaten alive!).

Next, Judd attacks Faye as she’s about to take a bath (sorry, but Marilyn doesn’t get naked in this one) and beats the hell out of her. Before he can kill her, he’s distracted by Angie’s screams, and chases the kid outside, where she hides under the house. Judd goes back upstairs for Faye… Next thing you know, Faye is gagged and bound to her (and the late Roy’s) bed, and Judd is sitting in the room, making weird noises. He gets up, and, and mutters incoherently for a while (he does a lot of that).

Meanwhile, under the house, Angie discovers the alligators (and some rats).

Meanwhile, Clara’s family, Harvey (Mel Ferrer) and Libby Wood (Crystin Sinclaire), come looking for her. With Sheriff Martin (Stuart Whitman) and the help of Clara’s former madam, Miss Hattie (Carolyn Jones), they track Clara down to the sleazy, toilet-down-the-hall motel.

They arrive as Judd is searching for Angie under the house. Libby goes off somewhere, and Judd turns his attention to Harvey, and — well, you know the rest by now: surprise attack, sickle, alligators.

More stuff happens… Buck brings a girl from the local bar to the motel… Faye struggles mightily against her restraints and screams a lot… Angie screams for help… Finally, Judd pushes Buck into the gator pool, and laughs with glee as he watches Buck get (say it with me!) eaten alive. Then Judd goes after Buck’s scantily-clad piece of fluff, chasing her into the swamp with his sickle. And… And do I really have to tell you how that turns out? Actually, yes, because he doesn’t get her; she stops a car (which ever-so-conveniently just happens to be passing through the swamp in the middle of the night), jumps in, and escapes.

Libby returns to the motel, where she discovers the trussed-up Faye, and un-trusses her. Just as the two women run out of the room, here comes sickle-wielding Judd, who gets a couple of slices in at Faye, who tumbles down the stairs. Libby makes a break to save Angie, and in a spate of utter confusion, an alligator suddenly appears, wraps its jaws around Judd’s head, and drags him into the pool. All that’s left of Judd is his wooden leg, which floats to the surface.

The End.

What can you say about a movie that can’t decide if it wants to be a ghost movie, a zombie movie, or a psychic-dude-finds-out-what-happens-to-his-father movie? Mix a nonsensical script with lame direction and embarrassingly hammy scenery-chewing, whilst striving for a cross between The Hills Have Eyes and Pulp Fiction — and fail badly — and you have Route 666.

Part so-bad-it’s-good, and part so-bad-it’s-bad, Route 666 is worth watching for the terrible dialogue, the over-the-top performances (oh, Lou, Lou, it was such a long way down from La Bamba, wasn’t it?), and the completely inexplicable “plot twists” (for lack of a better phrase). Why does Lou have visions? Why did the gang boss do what he did? Why are the ghost-zombies suddenly able to attack people off the road when they’ve been confined to killing people only on the road all these years? Why does the blood from the agent’s severed fingers disappear? Why do the agent’s fingers reappear later in the movie? Why hotwire the SUV when the keys are clearly in the ignition? Why is there a working telephone booth on a road that’s been “condemned” for 34 years? What is a “condemned road,” anyway? Why did they make this movie?

For these and many more perplexing questions, all you can do is watch this thing.

Movie Spoiler for Route 666 (2001)

]]> http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/new-route-666-2001/feed/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/route-666-2001/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/route-666-2001/#comments Fri, 13 Jun 2008 08:55:26 +0000 Pup http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/?p=1668 Lou Diamond Phillips and a band of other none-too-bright federal agents hauling mob informer Steven Williams to Los Angeles take a shortcut through the desert on a “condemned” road — Route 666, which is haunted by… well, sometimes they’re ghosts, and sometimes they’re zombies (with gray skin that looks like cracked mudpacks)… and you can’t kill them, although they do react when you shoot them (never mind that the feds learn early that guns don’t work against the zombie-ghosts; they shoot and shoot and shoot at them throughout the entire movie) …

Anyway, the ghost-zombies are the “restless spirits” of a chain gang of prisoners who, in 1967, were shot to death on the orders of the gang boss — who today is the local sheriff (L.Q. Jones) — and buried under the road they were working on. (Why? Who knows?)

Throughout the trip, Lou keeps having visions of the chain-gang massacre. (Why? Is he psychic? Who knows?) One of the ghost-zombies is his father, so maybe that has something to do with it.

To make a long story (and a really stupid movie) short, everybody except Phillips, Williams, and Lori Petty is either jackhammered to death by the ghost-zombies or shot to death by the sheriff (or by one of his two deputy-sons).

At the end, when Lou’s zombie-ghost-dad recognizes Lou as his son, he — Zombie-Ghost-Dad — kills all the rest of the zombie-ghosts in order to save Sonny-Boy. (Zombie-Ghost-Dad has trouble killing the last one, so Lou cuts his own hand and grasps Daddy-O’s to “feed” his strength. M’kay?) Finally, Zombie-Ghost-Dad stumbles off into the desert and disappears.

But we’re not done yet (sorry!). A scuffle amongst the remaining feds and the crooked cops has left only the sheriff alive — so Phillips, Petty, and Williams shoot him full of holes. Then the sheriff has a vision of a steamroller running over him, and the sheriff shoots and shoots and shoots at the ghost-steamroller, until he dies.

Phillips, Petty, and Williams walk off into the sunset together. And you realize that’s an hour and a half of your life you’re never going to get back.

]]> http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/route-666-2001/feed/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/new-the-notorious-bettie-page-2005/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/new-the-notorious-bettie-page-2005/#comments Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:17:04 +0000 Pup http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/?p=1666 June 12, 2008

Having only a peripheral awareness of her as a pinup girl and terminally perky cutie in a series of tame burlesque shorts seen on late-night TV, we had no idea of Bettie Page’s notoriety as a bondage queen.

The Notorious Bettie Page is an eye-opener — and in more ways than one; it’s not often you see full-frontal female nudity in movies these days.

But rest assured that TNBP isn’t some porny offering that will leave you feeling the need to shower afterward; it’s quite a good little biopic, with Gretchen Mol delivering a fine performance (she’s got Bettie’s cutie-pie mugging for the camera down pat), and atmosphere faithful to the period. It’s well worth the watch — and you’ll learn a thing or two about mid-1950s hysteria over good, clean (and good, dirty) sex.

Movie Spoiler for The Notorious Bettie Page (2005)

]]> http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/new-the-notorious-bettie-page-2005/feed/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/the-notorious-bettie-page-2005/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/the-notorious-bettie-page-2005/#comments Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:05:13 +0000 Pup http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/?p=1664 Bettie’s foray into bondage pinups and fetish movies triggers a Senate “smut” investigation. Irving Klaw’s (Chris Bauer) operation is shut down, and last we see of Paula (Lili Taylor), she’s burning Bettie’s photos and films, as ordered.

Bettie (Gretchen Mol) wanders into a church and is “saved.” Years later, Bettie is in a park, preaching to passerby from the Bible. A man recognizes her, and they chat; he says her earlier work is nothing compared to what’s available today.

Bettie has no regrets about her past; she tells the man that Adam and Eve were naked, too — but when they sinned, they wore clothes.

]]> http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/the-notorious-bettie-page-2005/feed/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/new-fido-2006/ http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/2008/06/new-fido-2006/#comments Mon, 09 Jun 2008 20:34:41 +0000 Pup http://moviespoilers.amuseyourself.com/?p=1663 June 9, 2008

How could a zombie-lover like me ever miss this one? As I write in the side note to the spoiler: “Fido is a witty, sharp, wonderful movie — and the obvious conclusion to the George Romero Night of the Living Dead series, picking up on the zombies being played for laughs (and being shown as understanding how to use tools) in the original Dawn of the Dead. It’s really Shaun of the Dead Meets Pleasantville — and absolutely essential viewing for those who love zombie movies, and see the inherent black humor in every living-dead flick. Highly, highly recommended!”

It’s also got an amazing cast, including Billy Connolly (just about the last actor you’d expect to see as a flesh-eating zombie!), Carrie-Anne Moss, and Dylan Baker (whom you know from lots of small but memorable roles, such as the cop in Hide and Seek).

Movie Spoiler for Fido (2006)

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